Spencer W. Kimball said “God does notice us, and he watches over us. But it is usually through another person that he meets our needs.”  I believe that. I believe that we can be God’s hands in the lives of others. If we’ll listen, he’ll direct us how. Sometimes I feel like the world’s problems are too big for me. I wonder if I can really do anything. I think something we can all do is make sure that every person who encounters us walks away feeling lifted. We can make sure every person we meet feels a little of God’s love. 

This is a little story I wrote in college about someone being God’s hands.

Letters to God

 

Regina bolted across the sunbaked living room and pressed her face against the warm glass. She thought Mrs. Aaron would never leave this morning. Her eyes wild with excitement, she ran down the dim hallway nearly tripping over her pajamas until she reached the library. She nervously searched for the book and, when she found it, tucked it under her shirt and sprinted up to her bedroom. All the running had taken its toll. She took at least three and a half minutes to catch her breath until she opened the big book and searched for the page she’d marked and read, “And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.” She breathed excitedly. This was the day.

Eric Layton slammed the screen door and grinded his teeth as he climbed into the little red Honda. He almost couldn’t breathe it was so hot. He tried to roll down the window until he remembered it had broken. He swore under his breath, but it wasn’t really the window. He and Kristen had been married for almost 12 years, and he still felt sometimes like they didn’t even speak the same language. How could she do that? How could she bring up a baby again!? She knew how much stress he was under at work. With his job as a mailman and hers at the bookstore, how could she think they were in a good place to start a family? And it wasn’t just that. They’d been fighting more and more. The best days were the ones when they managed to bite their tongues and just say nothing at all. What was she thinking wanting a baby at this time? And now she’d made him late.

 

 Regina Spencer had been becoming quite acquainted with God, you see. And for some reason, that infuriated her caretaker, Mrs. Aaron. So every morning when Mrs. Aaron left the house, Regina stole the big book from the library and read as much as she could. She didn’t understand everything, but she found it all terribly fascinating and exciting. Mrs. Aaron didn’t believe in a God, but Regina was ever so hopeful that he existed. He did such lovely things with His people in the big book. It wasn’t until recently that she’d discovered the part about being able to find God. That was something she had never believed possible. She did wonder why nobody these days seemed to find him. But then, it said you needed to search for him with all your heart. Maybe people were only using part of their hearts. But she wanted to know he was there with all her little girl heart. And today was the day she was going to look.

She read of people in the big book talking to God. So, why not her? She held the book on her lap and read the verse again to give her courage. Then she looked up to the ceiling and said, “God? If you’re there, I’d like to talk to you.” She looked expectantly into the space above her head. Nothing. She breathed and looked quickly back at the verse. Maybe she hadn’t used her whole heart. She closed her eyes and tried to summon up every ounce of desire she had, and then she whispered, “God, please?” Nothing.

She pushed the book off her lap and laid down on her bed dejected. The disappointment was choking. She bit back tears and tried to fight off the feeling that she really had nothing left. Suddenly she sat bolt upright. Maybe God was just terribly busy. He did have so very many people to listen to after all. How could she contact him in a way that would give him more time to answer?…A letter!

 

Eric pushed hard on his brakes. Of course, when he was late on his mail route, the police man would pull up behind him. Well, anyway, he was almost done. Now he only had King’s Loop left. The big houses. He pulled in and searched for the mail for the Gardners. Nothing. Next, the Willmonts and the Lawrences. On and on until finally he reached the last mansion in the loop, Mrs. Aaron. She always had mail – no doubt people trying to convince her to invest her money in their brilliance and innovation.  

He opened the box and pulled out the letters waiting to go out and shoved his pile in. He threw the three letters into his bag. But one caught his eye. He picked it up. It was a bright pink envelope written on with purple marker. He turned it over and saw:

 

Regina Spencer

King’s Loop #20

Cedarville, MI

48085                                                         

God

The Castle

Heaven

 

Eric stared and stared at the letter in his hands. Suddenly, he realized he still had a route to finish, so he quickly shoved the letter in his jacket and continued on.

 

Regina watched the mailman drive away and hoped very much he would know where to place the letter so that it would arrive. She imagined God lived in a castle. It made sense. Where else would he live? She crossed her fingers and went back to her room.

 

Eric pulled into his driveway still thinking about the letter and was glad Kristen’s car wasn’t in the driveway. He definitely didn’t need her right now.

When he was safe in his room, he pulled the envelope out of his pocket and stared at it some more. Who on earth was Regina Spencer? He decided there was nothing to do but read it. He did hate to invade a crazy woman’s privacy and it may have been just a little illegal. But what else was he supposed to do with a letter addressed to Heaven? He opened it slowly and found a single piece of paper folded an unecessary number of times. It read:

Dear God,

Maybe you already know me. Maybe not. I’ve been pretty quiet. It’s that I only just discovered that you exist. My name is Regina Spencer. I’m going to be eight soon. I live in Michigan with Mrs. Patricia Aaron. Maybe you know her? Anyway, mostly I just want to know if you’re there. Send me an answer whenever you have time.

Regina

Eric’s mouth hung slightly open as he stared at the scribbled piece of paper. Suddenly, he heard the sound of Kristen pulling into the driveway, and he quickly shoved the letter under his pillow. They had long since moved their things into separate bedrooms, so he knew she’d never look there. He ran out into the living room and jumped on the couch grabbing the newspaper as he went.

Later that night, Eric sat staring as Kristen cut vegetables in the kitchen. The look on her face made him want to yell. What right did she have to look so miserable? But suddenly his anger melted away as he thought of the letter on his bed.

“Kristen?”

She jumped a little, “What?”

“Do you believe in God?” He’d never asked her that before, and he felt slightly ashamed that he didn’t know.

She raised an eyebrow in that way she always did that made him feel 10-years-old, “What kind of a question is that?”

“Well, I don’t know. I just…”

“Why should you care?”

“I don’t. I- Never mind.” He got up and walked to his room feeling entirely stupid and frustrated. He couldn’t even ask a simple question anymore without meeting her contempt. But it was all the motivation he needed. No one deserved that kind of rejection. He grabbed a piece of paper from his desk. He’d never cared much whether there was a God or not, but he couldn’t bear the thought of the little girl not getting an answer. And so the decision was made.

Midnight found him still at it. It shouldn’t have been that difficult. But he didn’t know how to write on behalf of a being as majestic and all-powerful as God, if there was one. Everything he wrote either sounded too conversational or too overdone. Then he reminded himself that she was only eight and that she had addressed God as her friend and so, maybe he could answer that way.

 

Regina had never been so glad that Mrs. Aaron was always gone when the mail came. She waited anxiously as the mailman drove out of the cul-de-sac. Her heart racing, she ran to the mailbox and unloaded its contents. As she sifted through the bills and cards she finally saw it. A letter for her…from Him! She ran as fast as her legs could carry her up to her room and tore open the letter.

Dear Regina,

I got your letter. I am here.

God

Regina’s mouth hung open as she sat on her floor and stared at it. He was real! He was there! She had never had anyone to talk to before, and the prospect filled her with such delight that she couldn’t wait to write another letter.

 

As Eric finished his route that day, he began to worry and wonder if he’d done the right thing. What if Mrs. Aaron found the note? What if he got in trouble, fired even? What if there was no God and he’s started something that could only end badly. He shook it off. It was too late. He had done it, and it was over.

But, the next day as he pulled the pink envelope out of the mailbox, he realized that it had only just begun       

Dear God,

I’m so excited that you wrote back. If all the stories about you are true, then I’m sure you know lots of things. And I need someone to talk to. Sometimes I feel so lonely. Can I talk to you or are you too busy?

 Regina

He held his hands over his eyes as he sat on the bed and read her letter. What had he done? What had he started? There was nothing for it but to write another reply.

Dear Regina,

I’m not too busy. How are you doing? Are you happy?

God

As he pulled the covers over his shoulder that night, he thought, “There is a special place in hell for people who impersonate God to decieve trusting little girls.”

And yet, he delivered the letter the next day and awaited her reply.

Dear God,

I’m mostly happy. Sometimes, it’s horrible to be all alone in this house all day. No one lives here but Mrs. Aaron and me. She’s grouchy and spends all day away anyway. I don’t know what she does. She has so much money, I don’t think she needs to work, but she goes somewhere. She doesn’t believe in you. She told me to stop reading the big book so much because it’s nothing but nonsense. She asks the neighbors to come in and check on me occasionally, but I really don’t need them. I don’t get into trouble. I just like to read. I’ve been reading for lots of years. Books were my only friends before you.

Regina

And so it went on. Eric could count on a letter from the little girl every other day. And he found himself looking forward to them. Sometimes, she would talk nonsense about a story she’d read or a dream she’d had. But sometimes there was so much wisdom in her words that he could hardly believe she was only eight. He learned that she was an orphan. Her parents had died when she was very little. She didn’t remember them. She had lived with Mrs. Aaron, who was actually her great Aunt, as long as she could remember. Mrs. Aaron, by the sound of it, was rich, cranky, and cared little for the child.

Dear God,

I found out a terrible thing today and it makes me want to cry. I was looking through Mrs. Aaron’s chest (I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t have), and I found some old newspaper articles. Mrs. Aaron used to be married. And she had a little boy. Her husband and son got in a car accident and both died when the boy was only 5. I feel so bad. I know why she never smiles now. No wonder she doesn’t believe in you. She doesn’t know that it’s not your fault. Don’t be sad. Just give her time. I bet she’ll come around. She must have loved them very much. I guess you never really understand someone until you know what happened to them. I will try to be nicer to her and not so much trouble.

Regina

 Eric clutched the letter in the fist, his face somber, as he walked into his empty house. He didn’t really think the loss of her husband and son gave Mrs. Aaron the right to neglect the little girl in her care, but it had made him think too. For some reason, he’d thought of Kristen. And he was heartily ashamed of himself. A year ago, Kristen had lost her little sister and best friend to cancer. And he could pretty much pin the difficulty of their marriage to that time period. Why had he never seen that before? He’d just thought Kristen had gotten demanding and needy and impossible to please.

He walked mechanically into her bedroom. The king bed they used to share looked terribly empty. And the wedding pictures had been put away. There was one framed picture on the nightstand. He picked it up. It was Kristen and Melanie at the beach when they were teenagers. That spark in Kristen’s eyes was one that he had not seen for many months now. And his heart broke. He had not taken care of her.

That night as he watched her do the dishes, he longed for the first time in a long time, to hug her. But he couldn’t. Too much had happened. Too many things had been said. His pride wouldn’t let him. No, he could not hug her. But he could help with the dishes.

Dear God,

I’ve been thinking. You’re my only friend. What if you called me Reggie? I’ve always wanted a nickname. In all the books I read, people use nicknames when they really care about someone. I would like to have the kind of friend that called me Reggie. Mrs. Aaron’s old gardener that died used to call me that. What do you think?

Regina

 

Dear Reggie,

I like it. Very pretty. I’ll call you that from now on. You’re right. Nicknames are very nice.

God

Kris. That’s what he used to call Kristen when they were dating. She had always gotten this little grin on her face when he used it. She had said he was the only one that ever called her that.

He was on the couch like an idiot waiting for her to get home. He felt like a child waiting for Christmas morning. Finally she arrived, and he tried to get his breath to stop shaking. He had to be chill about this or it wouldn’t work. He pretended to be reading the paper as she walked in the door looking at the mail.

“Hey Kris. How was your day?”

Her head shot up and it was all he could do not to look up from the newspaper.

“What?”

“I just asked how your day was.”

“It was…fine.”

“Good. That’s good.”

She stared for a minute or so and then turned around. She was hiding but he knew her well enough to know she was smiling.

Dear God,

I was reading today, and I have kind of a strange question. What does it feel like when someone loves you? I think my mom and dad loved me, but I don’t remember. I don’t think Mrs. Aaron does. What is it like?

Regina

Eric thought back to the first time Kristen had told him that she loved him. They’d been dating for some time and he’d already said it, but she took a little longer. They were sitting on a picnic blanket and he was telling her something that had happened that day. He was really into his story – eyes big, gesturing widely. She watched and listened, and as she did, a small smile began to form on her mouth. She was listening but looked deep in thought. And suddenly she interrupted softly, “I love you, Eric.” And he had forgotten completely what he was talking about.

Dear Reggie,

You’re right. That is kind of a strange question. But I guess it just fills you up. It’s like something inside is too big for you. It feels like every bad or negative thing that has happened to you is wiped away by the simple fact that someone loves you. I’m sure there are many people who love you. 

God

He could hardly wait to get home that day. He went uncomfortably over the speed limit and almost forgot to lock the car before he bolted in the house.

She was sleeping on the couch, her hand resting on her favorite book – Little Women.

He knelt down on the ground in front of her and stared at her for a minute. He couldn’t believe he hadn’t noticed before how exhausted she looked. He didn’t want to wake her but he had something important to tell her.

He took a deep breath and touched her face with the back of his hand, “Kris?”

She slowly blinked the grogginess away from her eyes and then looked startled, “What is it?”

He looked straight into her eyes, “We were in love when we got married.”

She stared at him for a minute and then nodded slowly.

“Then, somewhere along the way, we lost it, didn’t we?”

“Yes.” She whispered and a single tear rolled down her cheek.

“Well, I wanted you to know that I’m sorry. And if it’s alright with you, from now on, I’m going to love you.”

Her bottom lip trembled, “It’s alright with me.”

Dear God,

Thank you for your letter. No one’s ever told me they loved me before that I can remember. You see, I’ve hardly known anyone except Mrs. Aaron. I could never go to school because I’m sick. Did you know about that? The doctors say I won’t live to be big. But that’s ok. I think being big looks kind of boring anyway. Plus, I will get to see my mom and dad. I don’t remember them, but I still miss them very much. And I’ll get to see you, and we won’t have to write letters any more. 

Regina

Eric sat in the car, motionless in his driveway. So many things made more sense now. So many things changed. He felt sick to his stomach. The world needed that little girl. He couldn’t save her. But there was something he could do. And if she had known the whole story, he was pretty sure it’s what she would have wanted him to do.

He tightened his jaw in resolution and marched into the house.

“Kris!”

“I’m in here!” She called from the bedroom.

He walked in to find her folding laundry on the bed.

“How was your day?” She said smiling at him.

“I want to have a baby.” He said quickly.

She stared at him and put down the shirt she was holding. “Are you sure?”

He breathed deeply. “I’m sure.”

She let out a little yell and threw her arms around him. He held her and smiled, his fear melting away. “I’m so happy, Eric.” She said weakly. Then she backed up and looked him in the eyes, “Honey, what happened? You said we weren’t in a good financial place to have a baby.”

“I’ve just been thinking. Will you love that baby with your whole heart?”

“You know I will.”

“So will I. So, I don’t think much else matters.”

For the next few months, the letters continued. Kristen got pregnant, and life just started to speed up for the couple. Things still weren’t perfect, and some days there were still slamming doors and hurt feelings, but it was getting there. They got very busy trying to get everything ready. Sometimes it would take Eric a few days to answer Regina back. But he did the best he could, and she told him often how grateful she was and that he was her best friend.

Then one day, there was no letter.

Eric pulled up to the house expectantly and the absence of the pink envelope was glaring. He thought it odd but didn’t pay too much attention until several days went by. And suddenly, he knew where she was. The hospital. It had to be. She would never go this long without writing. 

After work, Eric made the mad decision to drive to the hospital and see what he could find out. He walked to the front desk not knowing what he would do if he found her. He asked for Regina Spencer’s room and told the receptionist he was a family friend.

He found the room, and timidly looked through the small glass window. He felt his heart clench. She had a mass of dark curly hair. She was sleeping, and her dark eyelashes twitched casting shadows on her cheeks. Her skin had a grayish tint, but still she looked beautiful.

“Are you her father?” He jumped and turned to find the doctor behind him.

“No, sir. She doesn’t have a father. I’m her mailman…well…I’m a friend. Doctor, I’m sorry. Is she going to live?”

The Doctor sighed, “No, I’m afraid she’s not. It’ll be hours now. It’s a miracle she’s lived this long. Most die as babies.” Eric fought back tears as he stared at her. “You can go in.” The doctor said kindly.

Eric shook his head quickly. “I can’t.”

And suddenly he couldn’t breathe. He had to get out of there. He ran until he’d exited the hospital and found the nearest bench. He sat trembling for several minutes, holding his head in his hands. 

Someone sat next to him and he looked up to see an old man in slippers and a hospital gown. His kind blue eyes looked out of worn, leathery skin. 

“Are you alright, son?”

“No. My friend is dying.”

“I’m very sorry.”

“She’s only eight. It isn’t right.”

“That does make it harder. At least she’ll be with her father soon.”

“God? If there is a God, how could he let something like this happen to an innocent little girl?”

“Is living always better?” He didn’t seem to be asking that question to anyone in particular, but he absentmindedly fingered his oxygen tank when he said it. “I don’t know everything, but I do know that He loves us.”

“Does he?” Eric spat angrily. And suddenly he stood up and unloaded on the poor old man. He told him everything from the day he’d received Regina’s first letter until now. He grew in intensity as the story went on until he was almost yelling. The old man listened quietly.

Finally Eric said, “If there is a God, and he can talk to men as the bible says, why wouldn’t he answer the humble prayer of a dying child!”

The man looked confused, “But, he did answer.”

Eric opened his mouth to argue but nothing came out. He took a step back.

The old man smiled a little sadly.

Eric knew what he had to do. He ran back into the hospital as fast as he could.

That night when Eric opened his door, he wanted nothing more than to wrap his arms around Kris and let her comfort him. She’d heard him come and ran to him with fire in her eyes.

She threw her arms around him and kissed him with a not-every-day intensity. He held her and buried his face in her neck. But she pushed him away and looked into his eyes.

He laughed in spite of himself, “What’s gotten into you?”

“We’re having a girl!”

Eric felt his heart would burst. He spun Kristen around and they alternated between screaming, laughing, and crying. If he’d ever believed in a God, it was right in that perfect moment.

That night as they laid in bed and he contemplated everything that had happened he said a quick prayer of thanks for Kristen, for the new baby, and for Regina.

“Kris?”

“Mm?”

“I think I know what I want to name the baby?”

“What?”

“Regina Melanie. We could call her Reggie.”

She found his hand and squeezed it, “I think that’s very pretty.”

 

The nurses found her at about three in the morning. They walked in to see a cold stillness but a porcelain peace on her face. She was clutching a note to her heart.

The older nurse removed it and read it. Her mouth gaped open and she showed it to her companion, and they both cried.

Dear Reggie,

I know it hurts. But don’t worry. We’re all waiting for you. I want you to know that I am your father and I love you very much. I’ll see you soon.

Love, God