My husband and I like to read books together. Recently we read The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes, the prequel to the Hunger Games trilogy. Since the protagonist was the tyrant and evil dictator from the trilogy as a young man, we did not expect a happy ending. But watching him descend from a decent person to a villain was more difficult than we bargained for.

We finished it late one Thursday night. After the epilogue, I immediately went to the bathroom to get ready for bed. As I stood brushing my teeth, I was reeling about the masterful story-telling and the intensity of the climax, but when I went into the bedroom, my husband was subdued.

As an English major, I have read many a depressing book, and it no longer fazes me. I can appreciate great writing while simultanesouly shaking off a tragic story. My sweetheart is not so calloused. He told me the book had made him sad. Then he said,

“I guess that’s how God feels watching us. He sees our potential. We have the option of choosing Him and being happy, but we don’t.”

All it takes is a little red to send her to her knees. She’ll cry there on the bathroom floor until she can’t anymore. A childish shuddering breath signals the end of this round. Another month, another try, another failure.

It might sound dramatic, but I know it’s true because she is me.

I want to talk for a minute about the childless mother. The woman who, according to President Russel M. Nelson hasn’t given birth or adopted but “is a mother by virtue of her eternal divine destiny.”

I’ve hesistated to write this piece for several reasons. One, I don’t want to depress people. I don’t want to magnify my problems or make people feel sorry for me. Two, I don’t know that I can accurately represent the range of issues people who struggle with infertility face. I’ve only been trying for nearly four years. I know there are women who have so much more experience with this. Three, I am committed to this blog not becoming a place for a political agenda.

But I feel some things really need to be said.

Let’s start with me.